Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Dogs 1.0

Dear Bill Gates,

Recently I purchased and installed DOGS 1.0. I soon noticed that this program appears to have numerous glitches. For instance, every time my computer boots up, I have to run Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. Many times I've been in the middle of writing an important document and a window will flash telling me to run Take for Walk 2.0. This program also contained applications I did not wish to install, such as Pooper Scooper 8.5, and Drooling dogs 9.4.

Applications such as Vacation 2.7 and Free Time 10.1 can no longer run, crashing whenever selected. Possibly the worst is that DOGS 1.0 has attached itself to programs like Finance Manager and MS Money, with folders added such as "Entry Fees" and "Puppy Toys". Periodically, I'll get a reminder telling me to send a check to the manufacturer of DOGS 1.0 for the aforementioned items.

I have tried to uninstall DOGS 1.0 numerous times but when I try to run the uninstall program, I get warning messages telling me that a deadly virus known as "Dog Show Withdrawal" will infect my system. Please Help!!!!!


Dear User,

Your complaint is not unusual. A common misconception among users is that DOGS 1.0 is a mere "utilities and entertainment program." It is not - it is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its' creator to run everything! A warning will soon be imprinted on the box.

Since you have already installed DOGS 1.0, here are a few tips on how to make it run better. If you are annoyed by the applications Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1, you may run C:\HIRE HELP, however this will cause another folder to be added to financial applications, labeled "Staff". Failure to send payment to "Staff" will result in Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1 being run again on startup.

A note of caution: NOT booting up your computer for several days isn't the solution to avoiding Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. You will find that, when you boot up your computer again, a nasty virus called "Barking and Howling 4.2" will have attached itself to important documents and the only way to rid your computer of "Barking and Howling 4.2" is by purchasing and installing "Vet 10.1", which we admit is extremely expensive but crucial. Otherwise, "Barking and Howling 4.2" will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Finally, it is important that you run C:\Milk Bones and C:\Tummy Rubs on a fairly regular basis to keep the application running smoothly. If you have any more questions, please call our toll free number.


Tech Support

McCain's Slow Death Spiral

The Straight Talk Express, as much as a misnomer that can ever be in what is shaping up to be the worst Presidential election since, well, 2004, ran off the road and into the election ditch over this Ripoff and Rape America Bill.

(UPDATE: It appears that Hairball Reid & Co. are going to attach it to a current Senate bill to force a vote to put pressure back on the House to reconsider and pass it. in what can best be described as a backdoor maneuver to push through a bill that nobody except Wall Street wants, meaning that once again, the Beltway and Wall Street seem to trump real Americans and Main Street--those fucking bastards!)

Back the adventures of Panama John and his sidekick The Putbullied Pig with Lipstick.

McCain announced last week that he was suspending his campaign to come home to his masters in DC to work out the Ripoff and Rape America Bill. He challenged Obama to do the same, in a move that put Obama on the spot. If Obama met the challenge, then McCain could try to paint him as being easily manipulated and not strong. If Obama didn't, then McCain could paint him as not caring about the economy. Obama called the bluff and not only came back to DC but played an active role in the bill negotiations--far more than McCain even did. Insider reports are that Obama literally rolled up his sleeves and got to work, while McCain was in the room and mostly silent and doing nothing--most likely because the Man Who Doesn't Know Much About the Economy (PPT, anyone? Anyone? Bueller?) was in over his head. So much for trying to make Obama look easily manipulated, and McCain came out of it looking out of his league (which is accurate for both him and most of DC not named Ron Paul!).

In the middle of this was scheduled the first debate, in Mississippi, which McSame said he would not attend if no deal had been reached. Come debate time there still was no deal, but McCain went anyway, showing him to be a liar, and the irritable McCain promptly got smoked by a calm, cool, and collected Obama. Back to DC we go.

Once a compromise was reached, McCain, having done little but sit there and resemble a potted plant, left town and quickly moved to claim credit for the compromise and promised to rally the GOP troops to the cause. Famous last words. At the same time he blasted Obama in an obvious lie, claiming that Obama was doing exactly what McCain was doing, which was "phoning in" his efforts for the EERA bill, because McCain was actually doing it by phone from his Ohio campaign headquarters--so much for the campaign suspension, and that was quickly pointed out by the Obama campaign.

Then came the vote, and of course, as we know, it thankfully tanked. GOP leadership was quick to blame a speech made by Speaker Pelosi for the defeat, but the CREDIT for the defeat lies with real America and Main Street, who flooded emails and broke fax machines strongly reminding their Congresscreatures that we were following things, we were PISSED, and oh, yeah, there's an election in 5 weeks. 538.com has reported that of the 38 incumbents facing tight races, 30 of them (80%) saw the writing on the wall and voted no, purely ot save their own political bacon. Of those whose races were in the notoriously gerrymandered "secure" districts (which are unconstitutional per U.S. Term Limits v. Thorton, BTW) voted 197-198. Notable in the situation was that McCain was unable to rally his GOP mates in the whoreHouse to vote for the Rape, showing that he actually has no control over his own party and is unable to lead even that, let alone the nation. He couldn't even get his own AZ delegation to vote for it! In contrast, Obama sat back and let Pelosi and Co. do the heavy lifting and failing.

The bad news, and neither one of these SeNUTors get a pass on it, is what is planned for the SeNUT this week (see above).

Meanwhile, up in New York, NBC had Katie Couric interview Governor Hockey Mom. The disastrous interview itself, as well as the corresponding parody from Saturday Night Live, is now up in its gory details on YouTube--watch it with a barf bag nearby becasue you'll need it, and the SNL version was much better. The National Enquirer has now broken the story that The Homecoming Queen's Got a Gun was also having an affair with her husband's business partner, presumably while he was off on his snowmobile (a snow machine *makes* snow, Palin, you moron!) in the oil fields looking for moose for her to shoot (or put lipstick on) from a heliocopter. Troopergate just won't go away, either, and her tenure in Wasilla is coming out more as well, and it isn't good.

Her troubles aren't over either, as she is scheduled for the VP debate with Biden in two days and she will finally have the chance to make herself look even worse in front of a national TV audience, with no edits or do-overs. maybe she just ought to send Tina Fey in her place...

So, in summary, everything Panama John touched this week turned to manure. King Midas he isn't--more like King anti-Midas. His Dominatrix Librarian stuck her hockey-skate-laden foot in her mouth so much that the red on her lips isn't lipstick but cuts from the skate, and it's only going to get worse on Thursday.

He lied about his campaign at least twice, about Obama's actions, took premature credit for a failed bill, failed to lead his party, and got whacked in the first debate.

She ran into parody, bad interviews, affair rumors, more past foibles, and still has to face off with Biden in a can't-win situation.

The net result? The Straight Talk Express, complete with its Dual Airbags, is in the ditch, and there is no bailout in sight. Obama comes out of it looking good, for now, mainly because he didn't screw up.

Ron Paul was right on this mess, but I don't think even he could have predicted the sideshow of bad comedy and even worse political missteps that have happened here. The GOP is now beginning to regret shunniing him. That sentiment will get even worse over the next 5 weeks.

And the biggest winner of all? Bill Clinton. See, it really IS the economy, stupid!

BTW, here's McCain's latest truth slip:

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Analysis of the Bailout

OK, the newest draft of the legislative pile of manure known as The Ripoff Bailout on Main Street but The Rescue Plan on Wall Street, has been released. The ‘‘Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008’’ is the official DC title--110 PDF pages of junk.

Now we all know that is so full of bovine biosolids that it belongs on a Monfort feedlot. But the idiots in DC, in their perpetual "inside the Beltway" (them) vs. "outside the Beltway" (us) war--thanks to Wendy McElroy for the apt term--still seem to think they need to bail out their Wall Street Big Business friends and to Hell with real America.

That being said, I've been looking over the bill and have some following thoughts. The bill has 3 sections, so I'm going to break it down along those lines (or else this will run on forever!).

The full bill can be referenced here.

So without further ado, some thoughts on Section 100:

1. "Unjust Enrichment" (Page 9, Section 101-e):

"In making purchases under the authority of this Act, the Secretary shall take such steps as may be necessary to prevent unjust enrichment of financial institutions participating in a program established under this section,"
Now, what is an "unjust enrichment" of a financial institution? Conversely, what is "just enrichment"? Why is the word "unjust" in there at all? It should be removed to prevent ANY enrichment--no profiteering for financial institutions under the bailout, PERIOD!

2. "Considerations" (pages 12-14, Section 103):

The Secretary of the Treasury is *supposed* to take some things into consideration:

(1) protecting the interests of taxpayers by maximizing overall returns and minimizing the impact on the national debt;

(2) providing stability and preventing disruption to financial markets in order to limit the impact on the economy and protect American jobs, savings, and retirement security;

(3) the need to help families keep their homes and to stabilize communities;

(4) in determining whether to engage in a direct purchase from an individual financial institution, the long-term viability of the financial institution in determining whether the purchase represents the most efficient use of funds under this Act;

(5) ensuring that all financial institutions are eligible to participate in the program, without discrimination based on size, geography, form of organization, or the size, type, and number of assets eligible for purchase under this Act;

(6) providing financial assistance to financial institutions, including those serving low- and moderate-income populations and other underserved communities, and that have assets less than $1,000,000,000, that were well or adequately capitalized as of June 30, 2008, and that as a result of the devaluation of the preferred government-sponsored enterprises stock will drop one or more capital levels, in a manner sufficient to restore the financial institutions to at least an adequately capitalized level;

(7) the need to ensure stability for United States public instrumentalities, such as counties and cities, that may have suffered significant increased costs or losses in the current market turmoil;

(8) protecting the retirement security of Americans by purchasing troubled assets held by or on behalf of an eligible retirement plan described in clause (iii), (iv), (v), or (vi) of section 402(c)(8)(B) of the Internal Revenue Code of 1986, except that such authority shall not extend to any compensation arrangements subject to section 409A of such Code; and

(9) the utility of purchasing other real estate owned and instruments backed by mortgages on multifamily properties.

Now, of that list, taxpayers would expect numbers 3, 8, and 9 to be top priority, because they are direct impacts to us. We *want* stable communities and to keep homes, especially those who are being screwed by this mess through no fault of our own (disclaimer: including me!). We want to make sure that the people who busted their tails for these lenders, the people who did the yeoman work just to make a living processing honest loans, we want to make sure that those people do not lose their retirements from these failures. And we certainly want to make sure multifamily properties like duplexes and apartments and condos don't go under, either.

BUT, those things will be considered by Secretary Paulson, for about a second, before the former CEO of Goldman Sachs rejects them in favor of number 2 first and foremost. I say that because that has been the pattern of his activity all along. Expect considerations numbered 1, 4, 5, 6, and 7 to go the way of 3, 8, and 9--considered and ignored.

The Boston Globe had a somewhat reasonable idea in that the government buy a 50% stake in these mortgages directly and refinance them with the homeowners to keep them in their homes, under longer fixed-rate terms, so that they can afford the payments. Once the mortgage is paid off the borrower works on paying back the government. If the home sells, the proceeds are split 50-50.

OK, so that's not the most libertarian idea in the world. But it's a far sight better than bailing out lenders that don't deserve it. I'd rather see those of us that did it right and are getting screwed through not fault of our own get some real relief besides and industrial-size tub of Vaseline and an extra $2300 per person tax bill.

3. The "Oversight" (pages 14-17, Section 104-b):

The "Financial Stability Oversight Board" will be the Secretary of the Treasury, Chair of the Fed, Director of Federal Home Finance Agency, HUD Secretary, and SEC Chair.

Some oversight, huh? No citizenry, nobody from real America--just political appointees and Wall Street types. Their "oversight" will be limited to who signs their paychecks--the White House and Wall Street--and not to the taxpayers. BTW, this group *is* the Plunge Protection Team, too! This is the robbers guarding the bank!

4. FDIC as a loan manager? (pages 23-24, Section 107-c):

This section puts the FDIC, the agency responsible for insuring regular bank accounts, into the loan management business. WHY???

5. The spending: (pages 40-49, Section 115):

- $250B AT ANY GIVEN TIME--no limit on number of times, either. Can be increased to $350B if the President whines to Congress.
- BUT--and here's the poison pill kicker!--in subsection a-3, if the President whines, Congress is on the clock for 15 days to pass a joint resolution disapproving of the spending, then if Congress doesn't get it done, the spending jumps to $700B at any given time, still with no limit on number of times.

THAT IS UNCONSTITUTIONAL! Congress cannot delegate the power of the purse to the White House! This basically tells Congress that if Bush complains, he gets another $100B of taxpayer money automatically and if they don't act on his complaints to say no he gets another $350B of taxpayer money. It gives the White House a $100B Whiners Check and another $350B Fine if Congress decides to not. It turns appropriating funds on its head, assuming a "yes" unless Congress says "no", which violates the Separation of Powers doctrine, instead of the other way around as is traditionally done.

BTW, there is a typo in Section 115-c-2-D, in that it refers to Section 114-a-1 and 2, when it should be Section 115-a-1 and 2--there are no paragraphs 1 and 2 under 114-a, but there are under 115-a.

How much Vaseline do we taxpayers get for that rape up the rear???

6. National Debt increase (page 68, Section 122):

Increases it from the current $10.615T (as of 7-30-08 per Public Law 110-289) to $11.315T.

More deficit spending outside the budget. If they had any smarts of guts, they'd cut current spending levels to pay for it. Instead this $700B adds $2333.33 per person in debt to the nation.

Note also that if even if the debt ceiling is not increased again, a spending cut elsewhere in the budget can create more funds to blow on this scheme without increasing the debt.

There are other pieces of Section 100 that most likely could come under scrutiny from people more versed in those areas than I am. But Section 100 covers 90 of the 110 pages as well.

Next Post: Section 200, which has to do with budget-related provisions.

UPDATE: 9/29/08: With the bill failing in the House, for now, there will be no Part II or III. However, should it pass on reconsideration, I will do Parts II and III.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

PETA and Bob Barr?

Joined by Borat, Ben & Jerry's, and breast milk.

From Fox Kansas City:

PETA Pushes for Human Breast Milk in Ice Cream

Given the choice, would you prefer cow's milk or breast milk?

PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, has written a letter to the co-founders of Ben & Jerry's ice cream, urging them to replace the cow's milk in the products with human breast milk.

PETA's request comes in the wake of news reports that a Swiss restaurant owner will begin purchasing breast milk from nursing mothers and substituting breast milk for 75 percent of the cow's milk in the food he serves. PETA points out to Ben and Jerry's that such a move on their part would lessen the suffering of dairy cows and their babies on factory farms and benefit human health at the same time.

"The fact that human adults consume huge quantities of dairy products made from milk that was meant for a baby cow just doesn't make sense," said PETA Executive Vice President Tracy Reiman. "Everyone knows that 'the breast is best,' so Ben and Jerry's could do consumers and cows a big favor by making the switch to breast milk."

In response, Ben and Jerry's spokesperson had this to say:

"We applaud PETA's novel approach to bringing attention to an issue, but we believe a mother's milk is best used for her child."

Of course, that inevitably leads to Borat and Bob Barr:

From Capitol Hill Broadcasting Network:

X-rated Ice Cream names besides Tooter Hooter Fruiter and Tit Roof Sundae are left to the comments section...

A new twist on an old junk mail...

Dear *******:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gramm, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transaction is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.

Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Yours Faithfully, Minister of Treasury Paulson

Spectrum standings

Ron Paul is a Conservative-Leaning Libertarian.

Chuck Baldwin is a Libertarian Conservative.

Bob Barr is a Hard-Core Conservative

John McCain is a Populist-Leaning Conservative.

Sarah Palin is a Populist-Leaning Conservative.

Barack Obama is a Hard-Core Liberal.

Joe Biden is a Populist-Leaning Liberal.

Alan Keyes is a Libertarian-Leaning Conservative.

Ralph Nader is a Hard-Core Liberal.

Cynthia McKinney is a Hard-Core Liberal.

Tom McClintock is a Moderate Populist Conservative.

(McClintock is running for Congress in CA-4)

So: who will YOU vote for?

Monday, September 22, 2008

LP members to apologize to Dr. Paul?

Let's see if the LP membership has more guts than the majority of the LNC...and by majority I DON'T mean Ruwart, Wrights, Hawkbridge, and Keaton, all of which had the courage to stand up to this mess (there may be 1 or 2 I missed).


Saturday, September 20, 2008

New LP mascot

The Democrats have the Patriotic Jackass:

The Republicans have the Satanic Elephant:

So, now, I give you...the Libertarian Ostrich!

It comes in 3 flavors.

For those in the Starr Chamber, oblivious to the antics of Bob Barr:

For the LNC fence sitters and general membership who just sits there and watches, doing little:

And for the activists, radicals, and other hell-raisers, those of us that actually DO the work of the LP that needs to be done, there's this one:

So, LP members, which are you?

Friday, September 19, 2008

Government bails out Wall Street, screws Main Street

This morning the crime cabal that runs DC announced more credit and bailouts for Wall Street at the expense and ongoing turmoil of Main Street. Never mind that A) they don't deserve it, and B) we do. Here is the correct, accurate, prophetic, and definitive rebuttal by Dr. Ron Paul, a man who has forgotten more about economics than those other yahoos have ever learned. Dr. Paul gets it. Bush, Chris Cox, Ben Malarkey, and Pat Paulsen don't.

This is stopping the bleeding by adding more blood and no bandages.

This is going to get worse.

Meanwhile we get the bill, the execs get millions to walk away, and all our wallets get emptied and asses sore from the screwjobs.

Best advice: pay off your debts, stop using credit cards (but don't close the accounts), conserve your monetary resources, NEVER do ARMs, get out of the stock market and into non-oil commodities, and cut back expenses.

Let the failures fail, but don't become one of them.

One of these days they'll learn that the way to solve a credit crisis is to create assets and debits to eliminate the credit problem by creating jobs that actually create income and products...

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Lipstick follies

Back at her RNBC (Republican National Bullshit Convention) dog-and-pony show speech, Sarah Palin said this:

I had the privilege of living most of my life in a small town. I was just your average hockey mom and signed up for the PTA. I love those hockey moms. You know, they say the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? Lipstick.

Now, the McCain campaing is complaining about the Obama campaign stating that McCain's economic plan was bad. What Obama said:

John McCain says he's about change too, and so I guess his whole angle is, 'Watch out, George Bush -- except for economic policy, health care policy, tax policy, education policy, foreign policy, and Karl Rove-style politics -- we're really going to shake hings up in Washington.’ That's not change. That's just calling something the same thing something different. You know you can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig. You know you can wrap an old fish in a piece of paper called change, it's still going to stink after eight years. We've had enough of the same old thing.

Now, how McCain's campaign can get that to refer to Danielle Palin Quayle is beyond me. But then the McCain campaign, in expressing its outrage, said this, through spokeshole Jane Swift, former governor of Taxachusetts:

Ultimately, I think the American people will realize that calling a very prominent female governor of one of our states a pig is not exactly what we want to see when we supposedly are going to have this great debate that is the politics of hope.

So the only people that actaully called Palin a pig were the McCain campaign people.

You got that right: her own campaign partners called her a pig!

With friends like that, who needs enemies?

Of course, since Palin is also by her own admission a pit bull with lipstick, she is now unable to campaining in communities which have banned pit bulls, lipstick or not...

And since she is also a pig, by her own campaign admission, does that make her...

...wait for it...

a pit-bullied pig with lipstick?

You be the judge...

Sunday, September 07, 2008

LNC Insanity

Well, today and yesterday the Libertarian National Committee held their only general campaign season meeting in Washington D.C. You'd think that for them, the focus would be on the election, right?

WRONG! That's something the kindergarten-level major political parties do, not the advanced intellects of the LP!

Instead they spent the better part of two days trying to remove LNC at-large and second-highest vote-getter (and close friend) Angela Keaton from the LNC, and when that didn't work, they ejected our heroine from the room and then asked her to resign. Never mind that those actions violate the Bylaws and the membership is outraged beyond most words.

Yup, they went on a fishing expedition, and got waxed by the great equalizers, publicity and allies.

Her crimes:
1. Blogging the meeting to the membership.
2. Calling two staff members "sexy" in that blog, which those staff members found flattering and not offensive.

Some links to detail this mess:










The chief perpetrator for this would be former LPCA Chair and current LPUS Treasurer, Aaron Starr.

He looks like a familiar moron we all know, doesn't he?:

He acts like it, too...

Other members of the Starr Chamber include Chair Bill "Where's My Gavel?" Redpath, M "What's my First Name?" Carling, Bill "Conan the Meeting Tape Destroyer" Sullentrop, and Dan "I'm pissed at everyone" Karlan, and "Shut Up" Stewart Flood.

Keep in mind that the cabal doing this idiocy is not a majority, and in fact they don't have the 2/3 needed to do anything, and it drives them NUTS! Angela has many allies on the LNC and even more outside it.

LNC next meets Dec 6-7 in San Diego. This one is gonna be a small riot. Expect torches, pitchforks, tar and feathers, and a rail or two. The current actions of the Starr Chamber in the LNC are unacceptable, and membership is PISSED!

UPDATE 9/20: The resolution was actually done by mail, and the deadline passed with no vote, so it died. The result is that Angela remains on the LNC, and she has said that she will not apologize, either. Next up for the Starr Chamber is rumored to be more shenanigans, this time going after longtime Libertarian and top-vote-getter Dr. Mary Ruwart. To be continued...

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Palin' in Comparison

Being the equal-opportuity-offender that I am, I offer this rebuttal of the whatever screed that Sarah Palin gave as she accepted the nomination be the co-run-over-by-the-bus-mate of Panama John Songbird McCain at the RNC last night. My comments are in italics and parenthesized. Palin's speech is in normal test, and not parenthesized, although they should be euthanized.

Virtual barf bags are avaialble at the end in the comments section.


Mr. Chairman, delegates, and fellow citizens, I will be honored to accept your nomination for vice president of the United States.

I accept the call to help our nominee for president to serve and defend America. And I accept the challenge of a tough fight in this election against confident opponents at a crucial hour for our country.

And I accept the privilege of serving with a man who has come through much harder missions, and met far graver challenges, and knows how tough fights are won, the next president of the United States, John S. McCain.

It was just a year ago when all the experts in Washington counted out our nominee because he refused to hedge his commitment to the security of the country he loves.

(No, he was counted out because he was broke and had no traction!)

With their usual certitude, they told us that all was lost, there was no hope for this candidate, who said that he would rather lose an election than see his country lose a war. But the pollsters...

The pollsters and the pundits, they overlooked just one thing when they wrote him off. They overlooked the caliber of the man himself, the determination, and resolve, and the sheer guts of Senator John McCain.

(Nope, he was the last one left after the other flamed out and the GOP rejected common sense in Dr. Ron Paul!)

The voters knew better, and maybe that's because they realized there's a time for politics and a time for leadership, a time to campaign and a time to put our country first.

(None of which have occurred under GOP watch the past 8 years!)

Our nominee for president is a true profile in courage, and people like that are hard to come by. He's a man who wore the uniform of his country for 22 years and refused to break faith with those troops in Iraq who now have brought victory within sight.

(He’s also a traitor, adulterer, corrupt politician, and lousy military man who got by on his family connections only, a ne’er-do-well loser!)

And as the mother of one of those troops, that is exactly the kind of man I want as commander-in-chief.

I'm just one of many moms who will say an extra prayer each night for our sons and daughters going into harm's way. Our son, Track, is 19. And one week from tomorrow, September 11, he'll deploy to Iraq with the Army infantry in the service of his country.

My nephew, Casey, also enlisted and serves on a carrier in the Persian Gulf.

My family is so proud of both of them and of all the fine men and women serving the country in uniform.

(All of which have NOTHING to do with whether he and you can lead. All this is merely a “Rah, rah, we support the troops” pile of bullshit.)

So Track is the eldest of our five children. In our family, it's two boys and three girls in between, my strong and kind- hearted daughters, Bristol, and Willow, and Piper.

(How many of them are actually yours?)

And we were so blessed in April. Todd and I welcomed our littlest one into the world, a perfectly beautiful baby boy named Trig.

(Fine, but why did you fly from Texas to Alaska to have him, with the pressurization and oxygen issues probably compounding the Down’s syndrome?)

You know, from the inside, no family ever seems typical, and that's how it is with us. Our family has the same ups and downs as any other, the same challenges and the same joys.

Sometimes even the greatest joys bring challenge. And children with special needs inspire a very, very special love. To the families of special-needs...

To the families of special-needs children all across this country, I have a message for you: For years, you've sought to make America a more welcoming place for your sons and daughters. And I pledge to you that, if we're elected, you will have a friend and advocate in the White House.

(Like how you cut state funding for special needs children by 62% as governor?)

And Todd is a story all by himself. He's a lifelong commercial fisherman and a production operator in the oil fields of Alaska's North Slope, and a proud member of the United Steelworkers union. And Todd is a world champion snow machine racer.

(So what? He works in a union and races snowmobiles. Does that mean he’ll be in the Winter X-games soon, or will he simply challenge foreign dignitaries to races to settle international disputes?)

Throw in his Yup'ik Eskimo ancestry, and it all makes for quite a package. And we met in high school. And two decades and five children later, he's still my guy.

(1/8 Eskimo. And if the Enquirer is accurate, you haven’t been doing much with his package lately!)

My mom and dad both worked at the elementary school in our small town. And among the many things I owe them is a simple lesson that I've learned, that this is America, and every woman can walk through every door of opportunity.

And my parents are here tonight.

I am so proud to be the daughter of Chuck and Sally Heath.


Long ago, a young farmer and a haberdasher from Missouri, he followed an unlikely path -- he followed an unlikely path to the vice presidency. And a writer observed, "We grow good people in our small towns, with honesty and sincerity and dignity," and I know just the kind of people that writer had in mind when he praised Harry Truman.

(I thought Republicans praising Democrats was verboten, especially at the RNC?)

I grew up with those people. They're the ones who do some of the hardest work in America, who grow our food, and run our factories, and fight our wars. They love their country in good times and bad, and they're always proud of America.

(Bullshit. You grew up nowhere near Missouri. The only thing you have in common with them is the cold winters.)

I had the privilege of living most of my life in a small town. I was just your average hockey mom and signed up for the PTA.

(So much for the GOP hating public schools, I guess.)

I love those hockey moms. You know, they say the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? Lipstick.

(So you’re a pit bull with lipstick? I got news for you: there is no such thing as a pit bull!)

So I signed up for the PTA because I wanted to make my kids' public education even better. And when I ran for city council, I didn't need focus groups and voter profiles because I knew those voters, and I knew their families, too.

(But you need them to write this speech because this ain’t Wassilla Alaska!)

Before I became governor of the great state of Alaska I was mayor of my hometown. And since our opponents in this presidential election seem to look down on that experience, let me explain to them what the job involved.

(Running up $22M in debt from zero for a town of 5000 people and almost getting recalled, for starters)

I guess -- I guess a small-town mayor is sort of like a community organizer, except that you have actual responsibilities.

(Yeah, deciding the operating hours for the town dump is real responsibility!)

I might add that, in small towns, we don't quite know what to make of a candidate who lavishes praise on working people when they're listening and then talks about how bitterly they cling to their religion and guns when those people aren't listening.

(You don’t know what to make of the Bushes and McCain? Then why are you running with them?)

No, we tend to prefer candidates who don't talk about us one way in Scranton and another way in San Francisco.

(Considering that you probably can’t find either on a GOP map…how would you know?)

As for my running mate, you can be certain that wherever he goes and whoever is listening John McCain is the same man.

(Yeah, right. Google Green Zone Follies and tell me that with a straight face.)

Well, I'm not a member of the permanent political establishment. And I've learned quickly these last few days that, if you're not a member in good standing of the Washington elite, then some in the media consider a candidate unqualified for that reason alone.

(Blame the media, huh? Never mind that the unqualified criticisms are not based on insider status—they’re based on FACTS—Sarah Palin IS unqualified!)

But -- now, here's a little newsflash. Here's a little newsflash for those reporters and commentators: I'm not going to Washington to seek their good opinion. I'm going to Washington to serve the people of this great country.

(No, you think you’re going to Washington, but you’re not, and you’re going to try to give the GOP a non-grump-old-white-guy look. Problem is, those of us in reality aren’t buying.)

Americans expect us to go to Washington for the right reason and not just to mingle with the right people. Politics isn't just a game of clashing parties and competing interests. The right reason is to challenge the status quo, to serve the common good, and to leave this nation better than we found it.

(All of which the GOP does NOT do, ditto the Democrats)

No one expects us all to agree on everything, but we are expected to govern with integrity, and goodwill, and clear convictions, and a servant's heart.

(Ditto previous comment. The GOP has no integrity, cannot govern properly, has no goodwill, and no servant’s heart. They do have clear convictions both politically and criminally, though, and they tend to overlap.)

And I pledge to all Americans that I will carry myself in this spirit as vice president of the United States.

This was the spirit that brought me to the governor's office when I took on the old politics as usual in Juneau, when I stood up to the special interests, and the lobbyists, and the Big Oil companies, and the good-old boys.

(Like with the Bridge to Nowhere?)

Suddenly, I realized that sudden and relentless reform never sits well with entrenched interests and power-brokers. That's why true reform is so hard to achieve.

(Gee, it took you how many years to figure out in politics what most of knew in the first minute?)

But with the support of the citizens of Alaska, we shook things up. And in short order, we put the government of our state back on the side of the people.

(Government is NEVER on the side of the people. Go read some Jefferson, whydontcha?)

I came to office promising major ethics reform to end the culture of self-dealing. And today, that ethics reform is a law.

(Sure, and you broke it as well over your ex-brother-in-law, his boss, and his divorce from your sister)

While I was at it, I got rid of a few things in the governor's office that I didn't believe our citizens should have to pay for. That luxury jet was over-the-top.

I put it on eBay.

(But did you get its worth?)

I love to drive myself to work. And I thought we could muddle through without the governor's personal chef, although I got to admit that sometimes my kids sure miss her.

(So you can’t cook, either!)

I came to office promising to control spending, by request if possible, but by veto, if necessary.

(So did AHHHNOOLD, and look where it’s gotten him!)

Senator McCain also -- he promises to use the power of veto in defense of the public interest. And as a chief executive, I can assure you it works.

(Earth to Palin—there is no line-item veto in D.C.!)

Our state budget is under control. We have a surplus. And I have protected the taxpayers by vetoing wasteful spending, nearly $500 million in vetoes.

We suspended the state fuel tax and championed reform to end the abuses of earmark spending by Congress. I told the Congress, "Thanks, but no thanks," on that Bridge to Nowhere.

(AFTER it became a dead albatross. BEFORE that you supported it!)

If our state wanted to build a bridge, we were going to build it ourselves.

When oil and gas prices went up dramatically and filled up the state treasury, I sent a large share of that revenue back where it belonged: directly to the people of Alaska.

(On behalf of those paying at the pump, you’re fucking welcome. Why didn’t you return that to US???)

And despite fierce opposition from oil company lobbyists, who kind of liked things the way that they were, we broke their monopoly on power and resources. As governor, I insisted on competition and basic fairness to end their control of our state and return it to the people.

I fought to bring about the largest private-sector infrastructure project in North American history. And when that deal was struck, we began a nearly $40 billion natural gas pipeline to help lead America to energy independence.

(Through Canada, that is…)

That pipeline, when the last section is laid and its valves are open, will lead America one step farther away from dependence on dangerous foreign powers that do not have our interests at heart.

The stakes for our nation could not be higher. When a hurricane strikes in the Gulf of Mexico, this country should not be so dependent on imported oil that we're forced to draw from our Strategic Petroleum Reserve. And families cannot throw more and more of their paychecks on gas and heating oil.

(Blame your boy Bush for that!)

With Russia wanting to control a vital pipeline in the Caucasus and to divide and intimidate our European allies by using energy as a weapon, we cannot leave ourselves at the mercy of foreign suppliers.


To confront the threat that Iran might seek to cut off nearly a fifth of the world's energy supplies, or that terrorists might strike again at the Abqaiq facility in Saudi Arabia, or that Venezuela might shut off its oil discoveries and its deliveries of that source, Americans, we need to produce more of our own oil and gas. And...

And take it from a gal who knows the North Slope of Alaska: We've got lots of both.

Our opponents say again and again that drilling will not solve all of America's energy problems, as if we didn't know that already.

But the fact that drilling, though, won't solve every problem is no excuse to do nothing at all.

(And only NOW you adopt the position that was being advocated by the left and free-market libertarians? WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?)

Starting in January, in a McCain-Palin administration, we're going to lay more pipelines, and build more nuclear plants, and create jobs with clean coal, and move forward on solar, wind, geothermal, and other alternative sources. We need...

We need American sources of resources. We need American energy brought to you by American ingenuity and produced by American workers.

(Oh, yeah, in the pockets of Big Oil, that’s right…)

And now, I've noticed a pattern with our opponent, and maybe you have, too. We've all heard his dramatic speeches before devoted followers, and there is much to like and admire about our opponent.

But listening to him speak, it's easy to forget that this is a man who has authored two memoirs but not a single major law or even a reform, not even in the State Senate.

(Check his record, because you haven’t)

This is a man who can give an entire speech about the wars America is fighting and never use the word "victory," except when he's talking about his own campaign.

(And the GOP can’t define it either, because they don’t know what it is, and in this case, it’s not possible)

But when the cloud of rhetoric has passed, when the roar of the crowd fades away, when the stadium lights go out, and those Styrofoam Greek columns are hauled back to some studio lot...

(But when this pile of bullshit is cleaned up, when the piped-in roar of the crowd fades away, when the arena lights go out and the upper section tarps are removed, and that runway for the models is disassembled…)

When that happens, what exactly is our opponent's plan? What does he actually seek to accomplish after he's done turning back the waters and healing the planet?

(The only legitimate point—what is the plan? But what is McCain’s plan as well?)

The answer -- the answer is to make government bigger, and take more of your money, and give you more orders from Washington, and to reduce the strength of America in a dangerous world.

(And so is the GOP. If you want to reduce government, then why did the GOP go berserk in the other direction the past eight years? Why did they make the left look like libertarians when it comes to the size of government?)

America needs more energy; our opponent is against producing it. Victory in Iraq is finally in sight, and he wants to forfeit. Terrorist states are seeking nuclear weapons without delay; he wants to meet them without preconditions.

(We need more energy, but it’s not just from drilling. The is no victory in Iraq, just withdrawal in disgrace. Terrorists may already have nuclear weapons, no thanks to the Bush GOP. And there’s something to be said about trying to figure out why an enemy is pissed at you. Perhaps you are the problem after all!)

Al Qaida terrorists still plot to inflict catastrophic harm on America, and he's worried that someone won't read them their rights.

(Funny, ask Ramzi Yousiff and Osama bin Laden about what is more effective—treating terrorists as criminals or war enemies. Oh, wait a minute, you’ll have to ask Ramzi in prison, where he sits, tried and convicted and doing no more terrorism, and then you’ll have to find bin Laden to ask him, because he’s still unindicted, free, and plotting more terror acts, assuming he’s even alive. it seems to me the law enforcement approach works, and the war approach—not so much.)

Government is too big; he wants to grow it. Congress spends too much money; he promises more. Taxes are too high, and he wants to raise them. His tax increases are the fine print in his economic plan.

(And the GOP wants to do the same thing with another trillion or two in debt and collapse the monetary system in the process. You should have listened to Dr. Paul.)

And let me be specific: The Democratic nominee for president supports plans to raise income taxes, and raise payroll taxes, and raise investment income taxes, and raise the death tax, and raise business taxes, and increase the tax burden on the American people by hundreds of billions of dollars.

(And yours would cut more taxes on the wealthy, give no relief to the lower and middle class, and make it impossible for them to survive.)

My sister, Heather, and her husband, they just built a service station that's now open for business, like millions of others who run small businesses. How are they...

How are they going to be better off if taxes go up? Or maybe you are trying to keep your job at a plant in Michigan or in Ohio...

Or you're trying -- you're trying to create jobs from clean coal, from Pennsylvania or West Virginia.

You're trying to keep a small farm in the family right here in Minnesota.

How are you -- how are you going to be better off if our opponent adds a massive tax burden to the American economy?

(They’re not, but your policies don’t help them either.)

Here's how I look at the choice Americans face in this election: In politics, there are some candidates who use change to promote their careers, and then there are those, like John McCain, who use their careers to promote change.

(McCain doesn’t promote change. McCain promotes McCain, period!)

They are the ones whose names appear on laws and landmark reforms, not just on buttons and banners or on self-designed presidential seals.

(Like the unconstitutional McCain-Feingold, or the ridiculous McCain-Kennedy amnesty act, for starters?)

Among politicians, there is the idealism of high-flown speech- making, in which crowds are stirringly summoned to support great things, and then there is the idealism of those leaders, like John McCain, who actually do great things.

(Name one. Just one!)

They're the ones who are good for more than talk, the ones that we've always been able to count on to serve and to defend America.

(Like Songbird defended America while crashing five fighter planes and causing how many deaths on the Forrestal. Like he defended America when he proposed amnesty to millions of illegal aliens, including MS-16 gang members with ties to terrorists and who prey on innocent Americans in the inner cities?)

Senator McCain's record of actual achievements and reform helps explain why so many special interests, and lobbyists, and comfortable committee chairmen in Congress have fought the prospect of a McCain presidency from the primary election of 2000 to this very day.

(HA! They are just playing their games, and in fact some of them are on McCain’s staff!)

Our nominee doesn't run with the Washington herd. He's a man who's there to serve his country and not just his party, a leader who's not looking for a fight, but sure isn't afraid of one, either.

(yeah, right)

Harry Reid, the majority of the current do-nothing Senate ... he not long ago summed up his feelings about our nominee. He said, quote, "I can't stand John McCain."

(Neither can everyone else who hasn’t overdosed on the Kool-Aid!)

Ladies and gentlemen, perhaps no accolade we hear this week is better proof that we've chosen the right man.

(You chose Dr. Paul? Did I miss something?)

Clearly, what the majority leader was driving at is that he can't stand up to John McCain and that is only...

... that's only one more reason to take the maverick out of the Senate, put him in the White House.

(Harry Reid can’t stand up to ANYBODY, stupid! that’s old news!)

My fellow citizens, the American presidency is not supposed to be a journey of personal discovery.

This world of threats and dangers, it's not just a community and it doesn't just need an organizer. And though both Senator Obama and Senator Biden have been going on lately about how they're always, quote, "fighting for you," let us face the matter squarely: There is only one man in this election who has ever really fought for you.

(Not McCain!)

There is only one man in this election who has ever really fought for you in places where winning means survival and defeat means death. And that man is John McCain.

(Vietnam was not fighting for America. Have you not studied history? Do you not know what that mess was really about? It was about political ideology, plain and simple—same as Iraq!)

You know, in our day, politicians have readily shared much lesser tales of adversity than the nightmare world, the nightmare world in which this man and others equally brave served and suffered for their country.

And it's a long way from the fear, and pain, and squalor of a six-by-four cell in Hanoi to the Oval Office.

(Assuming he was actually in that cell much…and the stories indicate he wasn’t!)

But if Senator McCain is elected president, that is the journey he will have made. It's the journey of an upright and honorable man, the kind of fellow whose name you will find on war memorials in small towns across this great country, only he was among those who came home.

(It’s the journey of a never-done-well opportunist who got into the Naval Academy on name alone, almost flunked out, flew planes badly, crashing five yet on name alone did not get his wings clipped, killed over a hundred sailors on the USS Forestall, got shot down and turned traitor to save his own skin, then covered up his activity later, had an affair on his wife while she was injured in a car accident, divorced her, married his drug-addict, mob-tied mistress, and parlayed a myth into Congress, where he has never left. Some honor, some uprightness, some greatness!)

To the most powerful office on Earth, he would bring the compassion that comes from having once been powerless, the wisdom that comes even to the captives by the grace of God, the special confidence of those who have seen evil and have seen how evil is overcome. A fellow...

A fellow prisoner of war, a man named Tom Moe of Lancaster, Ohio...

... Tom Moe recalls looking through a pinhole in his cell door as Lieutenant Commander John McCain was led down the hallway by the guards, day after day.

(To his medical care and prostitutes, no doubt…)

And the story is told, when McCain shuffled back from torturous interrogations, he would turn towards Moe's door, and he'd flash a grin and a thumbs up, as if to say, "We're going to pull through this."

(Shuffling to play the act after getting laid and spilling his guts that is…)

My fellow Americans, that is the kind of man America needs to see us through the next four years.

(A traitor?)

For a season, a gifted speaker can inspire with his words. But for a lifetime, John McCain has inspired with his deeds.

If character is the measure in this election, and hope the theme, and change the goal we share, then I ask you to join our cause. Join our cause and help America elect a great man as the next president of the United States.

(His type of character I can do without. Ditto yours. You are made for each other!)

Thank you and God bless America. Thank you.

(Gods help us!)